Realistic Happiness: A Philosophical Consideration

I am indebted to the thoughts of Paul Diel, 

from a chapter of his book Psychologie de la Motivation.
Also I am indebted to the thoughts of Graf Durckheim
taken from the interview "Dialogue sur le chemin initiatique"   

Wouldn't it be very nice if we always get what we want? It would certainly be nice if each time we desire we get satisfied at once. But experience tells us that this is not always happening. In fact it can be rare. For one when we desire we try to "unite" with something, an object of desire. But we face resistance from the world. Our desire for friendship and company with others faces resistance coming from others. Maybe we want attention and time from them; they won't give it fully. We feel frustrated, maybe we start thinking, "Let's forget each other" or "Lumayas ka na, hangal!". Our desire for wealth faces resistance from the workplace, from the competition, from the economic conditions of the country, etc. We cannot always get what we want. When we are not reconciled with this fact our desire gets perverted. 
What is perverted desire? It is a desire that imagines overcoming and even eliminating real obstacles to getting what we want. A person is over jealous and desires to "own" the loved one. This person then thinks of being so in-control of the path of the loved one as if there is control over the obstacles to ownership. Imaginatively overcoming obstacles leads to the belief in acquiring the desired person, acquiring "rights" to the life of that person, acquiring hold of all conditions maintaining "ownership" of the beloved person.  
The reality is that the loved one has freedom and choice to relate with others; have new friends; connect with new relationships. The jealous one imagines being in-control of all that. The capacity to think well, the capacity to be lucid and understanding regresses into opaqueness. Then this is accompanied by tension and suspicion putting pressure on the love for the other. Perhaps the whole relationship becomes strained. There is unhappiness here; it can be the unhappiness of both persons.
As desire gets perverted imagination expands and gives more "accent of reality" to its (imagined) elimination of obstacles and its eventual (imagined) acquisition of the desired object. Imagination deepens to assume that dis-pleasure and dis-satisfaction can be overcome. Yet, all is imagined.  
Let us put this (perverted desire) in a more general form. It is a desire that imagines eliminating three basic facts. It imagines the elimination of change, the elimination of having no full control and the elimination of loneliness.

Change 
Change is constantly happening to us. The world around us changes; people change; we change. But a perverted desire imagines permanence. The person I love will change and will discover new horizons in life. That person will change and try out new things; that person will resist the permanence I desire. As I desire that not to happen. I tend to regress into opaqueness and I tie up with suffering.

No full control
Together with this refusal for change is the imagination that I can be in-control of what is happening around me. I can be in-charge. Hence there is the use of power to resist change; there is the power used to control the surrounding. I want to be "on top of the world looking down on creation", as the old song goes. I want to control situations. But the world resists our control. People resist our control. In one way or another they eventually snap away and seek their own independent and autonomous paths. The perverted desire, however, imagines eliminating loss of control.

Loneliness
This is a tough one. We do get lonely. We conserve ourselves, protect our egos, maintain its imagined permanence. We control it. But others do not fully see who we are. Others do not fully understand all that we say. Others do not always affirm us. Others are not always there when we need them. Others die. Then we feel lonely. A perverted desire imagines that this ego here can be so well protected from the "slings and arrows" of life; this "myself" will never be lonely.  

Already in ancient traditions there has been insight into the "legality" of life. The world has a "legal" system. There are names for this and we can think of terms like "natural law" or "dhamma", "logos", "cosmos", "diké", "Tao". The "least common denominator" of the ancient traditions speak of an "order" or "harmony" out there in the external world and "in here", in the interior world. (We cannot avoid this spatial distinction between the "external" and the "internal"; in phenomenological philosophy a "unity" is established due to what is technically termed as "intentionality". This post, however, does not aim to be technical. Hopefully we are forgiven for the terms "out there" and "in here".)
A Biblical reflection can help us here. In the Book of Genesis we read about the command allowing the human person to eat any fruit from any tree in the garden except the fruit from one, prohibited, tree (see Gen.2/16-17). The human person can do anything but there is a limit. This is the "legality" of life. We cannot be absolute unto ourselves and the world. The human condition is that of limits. The limits are not there to keep us from blooming. In fact to be limited is to allow blooming; to be limited is to adventure in life. Because we are not absolutes, we can move about and adventure. (We can add the verse that says that it is not good to be alone, in Gen.2/18. We adventure with others. This is actually fun!)
Perverted desire is the "failure" to connect with the "legality" of life because of its attachment to its imagination. Again a Biblical reflection can help. Refusing to accept limits (by eating from the prohibited tree) the human creates painful situations based on the imagined status of being absolute! Adam and Eve live in accusing each other. Cain kills Abel. People live promiscuous lives (in the Noah story) and people build proud and blind empires (in the Tower of Babel story). Maybe we can discuss this further.

Initially a desire can be emotional. It has its "affect" or "feeling" component. But somehow, due to its direction, desire already has a thinking component. When we desire we think of something that we want (or that we want removed). We re-present it in our mind. In desire, thus, there is the feeling component and there is the thinking component. That re-presented object in the mind affects us emotionally. "I like it" or "I dislike it". "I am so excited to have it" or "I am so scared to have it."  Desire has a direction (moving to an object of desire) and has an intensity (feeling for that object of desire). In principle desire is controllable. It is not a pure blind force. Let us illustrate this pictorially.   
A coconut falls uncontrollably from a tree. A bird, however, flies from branch to branch having an idea of where it will rest and when it will fly. Desire is more of that of the flying and resting bird, choosing tree branches. There is some form of lucidity in desire. 
A major indication of this lucidity is the fact that when we desire we can pause for a while and suspend action. We do not necessarily jump to action. "I desire for a glass of water but wait, let me finish this work...it's not going to take much time....and maybe instead of going to the kitchen I can go to the store and buy a drink there....shall I walk or shall I ride..." The action of taking that drink is, for the moment, suspended. We are capable of this.
We can, however, be mistaken in our actions. There is a danger too, especially in cases like in moral action. Hence desire needs a good amount of thinking and, more specifically, lucid thinking. We need to be clear with what we want.
The feeling component can push us to act insufficiently. Without a good amount of clarity and lucidity an action can be agitated action. The satisfaction we seek is not given and we are agitated.
To prevent much displeasure and dis-satisfaction we need to give more room to the thinking component. Think it over. Have a clearer understanding of what we want and the conditions surrounding the acquisition of what we want. We need understanding; we need to think and be better clear. The feeling side must slow down--"tamed"--so that action will not be premature.
Note then the two tasks involved in desire. One is to have a clearer insight over the reality of what we desire and the other is a more "taming" of our emotions. Yes, of course, in the flow of daily life we do many things routinely. We have a pattern of thinking and feeling. We get what we routinely want. But then we encounter situations that require more than routine action.
Desire becomes "sane" thanks to the suspension we do--we suspend action. We are capable of this and we do it. We somehow recognize the feelings we have and we think things over at the same time. All of us know this. We know the danger of getting carried away by our feelings and the danger of not thinking well enough of our decisions and actions. We know how sane a desire gets when we give ourselves a pause--a "suspension. In Tagalog we say, "pag-iisipan ko muna" ("I will think about it first").
Note the role of the obstacle to a desire. We want something, we just cannot get it, there is an obstacle hanging and preventing us from getting what we want. We feel some emotions and we think of what we really want and how we can get it. During the moment of suspended action the obstacle remains. We are still desiring and we are not moving to overcome what blocks us. We balance between emotions and clear thinking. What about the suspension that we do? That too now serves as an obstacle too! We impose upon ourselves the suspension--we prohibit immediate action so that we can be clearer with what we want and we can tame our feelings. We are creatures of desire, yes, and also creatures of self-mastery. We are capable of pausing. (We are not like the coconut falling from a tree, we are like the bird selecting branches to rest on.)
This self-mastery--this "equanimity"--directs desire to particular capacities. Thinking is developed to clearer thinking. Decision is more restrained and free. Feelings are regulated and tamed. Happy is the person who has a clear idea of what she or he wants, is composed and free and not impulsive. Already we have a picture of happiness. 
Now, it is not enough that we know what we want. It is not enough to have self-mastery of emotions and actions. We need an insight into desire. This insight is evaluative. Here we see the root word "value". We can also plug in what we said above about the order and harmony of all things--both external and internal. Life has its "legality". We may eat from all trees except from one tree. This is the legality of the human condition. Happy is the person who is not blinded by the imagination of being absolute and capable of eliminating all obstacles to desire. Desire needs to be evaluated according to the legality of life.
Evaluation has two aspects. On one hand we weigh the world "out there" and we check how far does it really offer us satisfaction. How permanent or impermanent is it? How controllable or uncontrollable is it? How "homely" or lonely does it get? On the other hand, evaluation also looks into ourselves; we weigh our capacity to eliminate obstacles when facing them. Note that in both ways we move to a more realistic insight into the legality of life. We refuse to be carried away impulses and we gain insight into the reality of life. 
What are stages of evaluation? We can consider three: first is the imaginative stage, second is intellectual stage and third is "spiritual" stage.

Imagination
Imagination is the most basic level of our evaluation of life. It is the level of images and sensations. Yes, there is a bit of thinking here but it is not fully in touch with the insight on the legality of life. It has a strong emotional component. It worries a lot about "getting what I want" without necessarily looking at what the hard facts are.

Intellect
The intellect--the thinking--looks more on goals, the practicality of what we want, the efforts we need to spend. It tries to understand the obstacles we face. This is less imaginative and more objective. It tries to see what is really "there"--objectively. 

The "spirit"
Here we adapt to the legality of life. We seek out insight not just on the practicality of our desires but on the definitive status of satisfaction, whether satisfaction has more permanence, control and joy. 

All three are there coordinating with each other. In the flow of daily life we imagine, think and live in the spirit. However, we can be perverts too. What is perversion here, what do we mean by this in the context of our discussion?
Perversion is getting tuck in the imaginative stage. We do not move out into looking at the practicality of what we do nor are we interested in having insight into the legality of life. The more we move to the thinking and spirit stages the more "sane" we get. The more we move to the imaginative side, the more "insane" we get. A desire based heavily on imagination does not promise a natural happiness. It does not know reality. It pretends to know it by assuming the reality of the imagined. It is contrary to natural happiness that is based on the legality of all things--the "dhamma". Because of sheer imagination, desire keeps on defending itself from the resistance of the world of change, dynamism and autonomy of persons. Because of sheer imagination desire lives in the belief of making permanence out of impermanence, of control out of mobility and movement, of ideology out of free thinking. Imagination in raw form is like forcing a basket ball underwater, spending energy and time holding that ball down. But the ball will move to the surface and the effort to keep it down is a waste. The effort can be used elsewhere.
Now, we suffer this way. We suffer because we live in the illusions of our imagined world. We fail to recognize the line separating imagination from reality. How do we correct this?
One way is by really being able to really overcome obstacles and change the world according to how we want it to run. Ok, this can happen too. But it requires lots of energy and power. It also requires that no resistance comes from the world telling us we are not its absolute masters. In many ways we do get away with changing the world and making it adapt to us and to what we want. How far can we do this?
The other way is by accepting the legality of life. We dissolve the desire to own, manipulate and reside absolutely in this world. We accept the reality of change, the reality of powerlessness and the reality of loneliness. Desires become sane and realistic--we are no longer haunted by the desires that are merely imagined and perverted. 

Culture
Let us add a reflection on culture. Culture is what helps us adapt to the world. A culture can teach us to be perverted or to be sane. There are possible institutions that promote our sanity or our perversion. Culture can be a ground to make us see better truth, beauty and goodness. Or it can be source of educating us to tell lies, to entertain ourselves promiscuously, and to corrupt our relationships. In other words culture can be marked by imagination or reality. What culture do we have?